To Bed

I put my child to bed tonight and listened as she told me about how she just can’t get comfortable. I thought it was a ploy to stay up. It wasn’t. It was a five year olds limited ability to express her panic and fear and need for not being alone. It wasn’t the boogeyman she was afraid of. It wasn’t that kids would laugh at her at school. She very vividly described to me a home invasion and men coming into her room to “get” her.

Logic isn’t always the most helpful tool. I did explain to her that we live in a safe house. In a safe neighborhood. She’s too smart for empty explanations. I told her that there are children in this world who don’t live in houses that are safe. That don’t live in neighborhoods that are safe. There are children who don’t have the protection that she has. And I told her that there are 3 adults in our house that would do anything and everything to keep her safe. Not to mention a rather capable big sister who would stand by her side no matter what. She would never be alone if she were in trouble.

I told her those things because they are the same things I tell myself. Relatively speaking, they’re all true. We do live in a safe area. Like most people we do follow certain safety protocol, more out of habit than fear. But it’s what you do. It’s what we all do, right?

It took almost an hour, numerous prayers, lots of what-if scenarios, plugging in her old baby monitor, another trip upstairs from her Daddy, and 2 chapters from her beginning reader Princess book before she was truly relaxed enough to sleep. She’s five. I have a feeling this was something that was talked about among a group of them at school. Maybe something from a movie somebody saw or a tale passed down from an older sibling. She mentioned the fear in passing a few weeks ago and I assumed it just came and went. Apparently it’s just been festering and the worry has grown to anxiety.

It wasn’t the worst thing in the world. It was awful to watch her truly truly terrified, wishing I could just bat her worries away like a fly in the summer time, but it was just a worry. I believe HOW we teach our children to deal with their worries is one of the most important opportunities we have as parents.

I remember being terrified after 9/11. I know I wasn’t the only one. I was pregnant and the world didn’t make any sense. I had no idea how I was ever going to bring a child into a world that seemed to be caving in on itself. It took me over five years to be able to start watching the news again and still be able to sleep at night. I know a thing or two about worry.

What I don’t know is what it’s like to truly live in fear. To put your child to sleep at night when you don’t believe you are safe. When you know what you would give, what you would sacrifice to keep them safe and know that even that might never be enough.

So tonight, after this rambling. This is one more thing I am going to thank God for before I go to sleep. Thank you God for letting me live in this country where I’m not afraid of police breaking into my house and taking away people I love in the middle of the night. Thank you God for giving me the kind of life that lets me have a sturdy, safe house with doors and windows and locks that work. Thank you for letting me live in a neighborhood and in a home in this country that I am not worried about drive by shootings when I put my children to bed at night. Thank you God for giving me a husband and family members I trust to keep my children as safe as I would.

Thank you God for being able to tell my child “You are safe. Nothing will happen to you tonight” and believe it.