Getting Back My Fluidity

(Sometimes Free Writing is the only way)

All it takes is a word. All you need is a look. It doesn't have to be much, but it changes everything. Someone who can feel you all the way over there.

Movement in the trees
The echoing in the darkness
the crackling of the flame to wood
The wind
the watching
a smudge on your face
and I brushed

Something inside needing to come out. Something sparked that made me want to remember. Remember. Listen to yesterday, remember what it feels like. Remember what the world once was. What I used to be.

Living my day
Living my life inside this day
I will live the way I can
I will give you what I have.
There’s nothing left to hold inside
Because all I have is gone

The part of me that’s me
Stopped making that me stuff long ago
I made other people and then I pour all my energy into them
Supporting them.
I am support staff.
For a woman who once was so strong
and such a self motivator
I have always been support staff
And I have made these little support staff babies
Who want to be just like me.


And then theres me
The me part of me that doesn’t change
That cannot be broken down
Because it is the very fabric of who I am.
It is the thing that gets me up
That keeps me happy
That reminds me how to love
And how to learn
And how to live each day
Like there might not be another
Selling myself to myself
And in that,
Sometimes it’s real
Sometimes I really am that person
I convince myself and the rest of the world I am.


Who am I without my title
Or my job
Or my kids
Or my degree
Who am I without these things

I am a smile
Or a laugh
Or a knowing look
A memorable glance
The kind of sigh that lets you know I feel your pain
The kind of question that reminds you
You’re really being heard
I live and exist in that moment.
The day to day
The people. Those who know me
Who feel me
It’s what I give
And what I receive.
It’s the feeling of excitement
And encouragement
It’s the frustration of wanting more
Or wanting better.
It’s what we feel when we can’t make it stop
And that clock in our mind keeps going and going and going.
And becoming fluid
Is more about learning to loosen the valve
Than creating something important
I have to believe there is something important in me
Before I can believe theres a way to let it out
It’s the opening up that’s hard.
Writing through that takes practice.
And practice I shall.

Apple. Fall. Leaving. Leaving town. Living with a decision. Knowing it will effect everything in your life. Knowing that we ca leave but that we take ourselves wherever we go. You need to be happy with yourself because you take you wuh you wherever you go.