Something Precious

I had to let go of something precious tonight. It hurt more to lose this one item than any other item I've ever lost, at any time. And trust me when I tell you that there have been a lot of them. Lots of vague disapointments. Plenty of wondering where something went to. A few deep pangs. Even letting go of my car wasn't as hard as this. Then again, I've had this one longer.

Mike found me sobbing uncontrollably in the bathroom. He had no idea.

We have a leak in our upstairs bathroom. Water had been dripping into our downstairs walk in storage closet for a while now. We had no idea. A few of Mike's suits, my wedding dress, costumes, graduation gowns, formals, winter clothes, brand new and some well worn pieces of luggage were all down there. Lots of things that would have been frustrating to have lost, but nothing I deem irreplaceable. Nothing that means enough to me that I would cry if it were lost. Cuss maybe, but cry, no.

Except for his jacket. My father's leather jacket. The one he would wear during rodeo time. When I was still little enough for him to pick me up. The one he wore when he wore his boots. When he was dressed up for going out. And that aftershave. I can still imagine what it felt like. Not just the jacket, but to be in his arms. After all these years. That jacket was the only thing of his that mattered to me. I had wanted to give it to my son, but I never had one. My brother was a bigger build than my father, so he could never wear it, so it stayed with me. When I realized I would only have girls, I thought about getting rid of it, but I could never bring myself to.

The jacket is now water damaged with extensive mold. I'm far too practical to spend a couple hundred dollars trying to restore a jacket that will never be worn by anyone who loved the man who originally owned it. My practical streak. It's the same reason I got rid of the MGB when I did. It was impractical to keep it. It makes sense to throw the jacket in the trash, but I'm still grieving tonight regardless.

Maybe that's the point of it all. Just because I make the hard decisions, just because I take those impossible steps, doesn't mean it doesn't tear me apart inside. Sometimes it sucks being practical.