Motivation

I rarely write about this. Probably because the danger is that I'll be that person who always talks the big talk but never does anything about it. It's no secret that I've been wrestless. I've been wrestless for years. Probably ever since I gave birth to my youngest. It always felt like I should be looking at getting back to pursuing my career.

I think many times I get caught up in the idea that I need a label or a description. But I really think, after this most recent bout of volunteering, that it's so much more than that. I crave being productive. I need to believe that my time and effort is valuable. I need to feel myself moving toward a goal. Living in the absence of a goal for all this time, has been like swimming in molasses.

I need to feel my own limbs move my own body through this life. I need to feel like I am reaping what I sow. I love my kids, but I'm not sure that I have ever been a very natural mother. I can only hope I don't screw them up too badly. By leaving too soon or too late.

I need to get back into my groove. I need to find my professional self again. I need to get myself focused. It's coming.